Principles of Marriage

November 10, 2024|Principles of Marriage|1 Corinthians 7:1-16

John-Daniel Cutler

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From what we have seen up to this point in his letter, you could easily assume that the majority of the Corinthian church was engaging in sexual immorality. Paul has written considerably about sexual immorality. 

There was the case of church discipline in chapter 5 dealing with the congregation’s failure to deal with the flagrant sexual sin of a man in the church. There was a reminder that we are not to have anything to do with a sexually immoral man or woman who claims to belong to Christ but lives like they do not. There was his summary concerning lawsuits against believers, where Paul explicitly says that the sexually immoral, adulterers, and homosexuals will not inherit the kingdom of God. Last week we saw Paul disassemble the hedonistic argument that said it didn’t matter what we did with our bodies, which was the conclusion some had come to, leading them to commit all manners of sexual sin, where Paul tells believers to flee sexual immorality. 

But, today, we see not everyone in Corinth had bought into that wrong thinking, but unfortunately, they had gone so far in the other direction, they also were mistaken in their thinking. 

From Paul’s answer to their letter, it seems that there were some within the church who saw the sexual immorality in the Corinthian culture, who had come out of that as believers, we saw all sex as worldly and had come to the conclusion, to be a good Christian, they must abstain from all sexual relations. 

This is a good reminder that within a body of believers, we are not all the same page, we do not all struggle with the same things, and even when we disagree with one another or find ourselves on opposite sides of an issue, it may not be that we are right and they are wrong, we may both be wrong! 

Such was the case in the Corinthian church. 

There were those who separated the physical from the spiritual and concluded they were free to do, physically, whatever they wanted with their bodies because it did not affect them spiritually. 

Then there were those who over spiritualized the body and denied basic, God-given desires as unspiritual and therefore to be avoided. Having addressed the first group, this morning, we are going to see Paul’s response to the second. 

Specifically, Paul is going to frame the conversation around the issue of marriage. 

Culturally, there are many differences between what we in America consider the institution of marriage and what would have been considered marriage in the Corinthian culture. But, at its core, it is the commitment made between a man and a woman to live together, to produce children, and to be partners in this life. It is a binding agreement that has implications in every aspect of our lives. 

There is a right way for us to think about marriage as believers, and listen, perhaps more today than ever before, the church needs to be having these conversations. 

The institution of marriage is suffering, not just in the world, but in the church as well. 

Divorce rates among marrieds who claim to be in the Christian faith has been over 25% since around 2016 and seems to be trending still upward. 

Some studies show that the divorce rate is lower now than it was in the 1980s, which sounds like good news, until you look at the rate in which those who are getting married has dropped. 

Less marriages naturally lead to less divorces, but what is more telling is even among those who are choosing to get married, the divorce percentage is still between 40 and 50% of marriages ending in divorce. 

We desperately need to make sure that we are thinking rightly about God’s institution of marriage so that we will treat it with the reverence and respect that it deserves. 

Similar to what we have seen in Corinthians so far, this comes down to our thinking. 

Right thinking produces right actions, where wrong thinking produces wrong actions. 

So as we dig into Paul’s response and instruction to the Corinthian church this morning, I pray that the Holy Spirit would use God’s word to correct our thinking where it needs correcting, and instruct us where we need instructing. 

This morning we are going to hang what Paul says in this letter on three divisions that represent three areas Paul addresses in what we are calling Principles of Marriage. Three areas. 

If you haven’t already, open your copy of God’s word to 1 Corinthians chapter 7, we will begin at verse 1. 

The first area Paul is going to address is the area of sex and marriage. Aren’t you glad you came to church this morning?! And before anyone asks, yes, this is the most uncomfortable I have ever been in the pulpit. 

Sex and marriage

Let’s dig into our scripture this morning and read through verse 6 to get us started. 

1 Corinthians 7:1-6 (ESV) 1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 

Verse 1 gives us the background for Paul’s response. Again, many scholars believe that Paul is quoting the Corinthians in verse 1. It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.

As we said in our intro, this probably arose as a result of the sex saturated culture of the Greco-Roman world that the Corinthians both had come out of and were surrounded with. 

I will remind you that Paul alluded to their previous manner of living in chapter 6

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 (ESV) Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

There were men and women in the Corinthian church who before Christ were sexually immoral, were adulterers, and were practicing homosexuals. Having been saved from that lifestyle they concluded that all sexual relationships were sinful and the good thing is to abstain all together. 

It is good- can mean a few different things, it is profitable, it is honorable, it is morally good- to not engage in sexual relationships. This was the conclusion that some had come to. With brothers and sisters on this side and brothers and sisters on the other side which Paul addressed last week, you can see why they sought Paul out by letter to help settle this disagreement. 

It seems the writer or writers of the letter want Paul to agree with them or give his stamp of approval. 

But, while Paul does not disagree that it can be good not to have sexual relations, he does not do so unmodified. That is not a universal truth in all situations, in fact, in some situations, it can be bad or harmful for the parties involved. Which brings us to verse 2. 

2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband

Paul says, actually, if you are married, not only should you not abstain, you should engage in sexual relationships with your own wife or own husband. Paul’s point is that it is not necessarily good to abstain in marriage. Why?

Because of the temptation to sexual immorality. 

Paul is very practical here. His primary reasoning is to withhold sexual relationships from a spouse, intentionally or unintentionally, is that it can make them more susceptible to being tempted to act in ways that are sexually immoral. I can immediately hear pushback in the form of ‘how is that my fault?’ or ‘isn’t she or isn’t he responsible for themselves’?

Paul is going to address that thinking in two ways.

First, you have a duty towards your spouse. Verse 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 

The phrase ‘give to his wife her conjugal rights’ is made up of two Greek words, literally translated, to render that which is owed. Of the three times it is used in the NT it is rendered what is due, a debt, and her as a duty. 

The first reason, Paul says that you should not withhold sex from your spouse is that it is part of the marriage agreement. Literally, you owe it to them. 

But you say, how is that fair, I don’t owe them anything. I am an autonomous individual and I get to decide what I do with my body and when. Fair. Let’s read the next verse. 

4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

It’s almost as if Paul understands human nature and answers each objection before it is raised. 

Verse 4, the word for functions like ‘this is because’. You should fulfill your duty to your spouse, because you do not have full and final authority over your own body. Male or female. 

Now, what an explosive subject in today’s world, where body autonomy is one of the single biggest issues in the culture, and yet Paul, as he often does, makes a plain statement in scripture, that we either have to accept as true, as counter-cultural as it is, or willingly reject God’s word. 

Husband, when you got married you did not retain full autonomy over your body. 

Wife, when you got married you did not retain full autonomy over your body. 

The Bible says that when you came together as husband and wife, you become one, and as complicated and messy as that can be, it has implications in every aspect of your life, and as Paul points out here, even extending into your bedroom. 

Here is Paul’s command. Do not deprive one another. 

A better translation is probably ‘stop depriving one another’. This word is translated ‘defrauding’ earlier in his letter. Stop withholding what rightfully belongs to your spouse. 

Now, as a kid who grew up with 90s sitcoms, I grew up with this idea that when women were mad at their husbands, the natural response was to withhold intimacy. 

It was on almost every show that was on TV. It was a running gag, a trope that played over and over again. Sex was used as an incentive by wives to get their way and withholding was a way to punish husbands who didn’t act right. 

Listen to me, that is not biblical and it is not right for either party to weaponize sex within marriage. Period. 

You may say, okay, then when is it acceptable to withhold intimacy within marriage? 

Paul gives us three ways to judge if it’s acceptable. 

Is it mutually agreed upon? Literally, when both parties are in perfect harmony about the subject.

Is it for a purpose? So that you can focus more pointedly on seeking God in prayer.

Is it for a limited time? Is there an agreed on period that both parties are going to seek the Lord in prayer and then resume their intimate relationship?

Why? Because if both parties are not in agreement, if both parties are not seeking the Lord in prayer, if both parties are not clear about the time frame, then it brings us back to Paul’s original argument. It can cause unnecessary temptation in one spouse or the other that can lead to sexual immorality. 

As an aside, without a doubt, the largest temptation in our day because of unlimited digital access is to engage with pornographic material. 

We do not have time to get into all of the data, but the use of pornographic material is at an all time staggering high. With the majority of people inside and outside the church not seeing anything wrong with it. This isn’t just a male problem, the use of pornography among women is rapidly growing. 

And yes, ladies, this does include those romance novels that glorify sexual relationships outside of marriage. Whether you read it or watch it, the effect is the same. 

Among the myriad of problems within the industry of porn, the biggest problem is that it separates sex from the confines it was created for and it robs spouses of the blessing of sex within a covenant marriage, given to them for their benefit and pleasure. We know scientifically that it creates an unhealthy relationship in the brain with sex and distorts what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

Society is so confused when it comes to this. The ideal sexual relationship should not be what you can watch online or on the screen, or read in a book, but what is happening between a lifetime covenant marriage between a man and a woman. 

Parents, are you having age appropriate conversations with your kids about sex and marriage?

Did you know that according to the most recent statistics, most of our children will be exposed to some form of pornography by the time they are 12 years old?

If you don’t teach them the right way to think about it, someone else will teach them the wrong way.

Let’s get back to Paul’s instructions to the Corinths. 

 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 

Scholars disagree where verse 6 fits, whether it is referring to what he said in verse 5 or what he is going to say in verse 7. 

Due to the context and language, I think Paul is talking about this period of withholding intimacy. He says, you don’t have to do this to be holy, it is not required, but if you feel like you should, you may. 

Paul’s instruction on the area of sex and marriage is pretty plain. 

If you are married, fulfill your marriage vows, it is your duty, you are not your own, and it can lead to unnecessary temptation in your marriage. So what about those that are not married? This is the next area Paul is going to address. Next we turn to…

Singleness and marriage

Let’s pick up in verse 7 of chapter 7 as Paul introduces the idea of singleness. 

1 Corinthians 7:7-9 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. 8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Paul addresses his own situation. He is an unmarried man. 

There is some reason to believe that Paul may have been a widower, since you had to be married to be on the Sanhedrin and it is likely that Paul was, however, that is just speculation. What we do know is that Paul remains unmarried from his conversion to his death. 

In this same letter, while dealing with those who oppose him, he argues that he has a right to take a believing wife if he desires. 

1 Corinthians 9:5 (ESV) 5 Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?

But here, he tells the Corinthians that he views his singleness as a gift from God. 

Paul is going to get into more of this conversation in the later verses of chapter 7 about the benefits of being unmarried, but for now, he simply raises the topic to highlight that singleness is not inherently bad. 

The idea that singleness is less than desirable is woven into the very fabric of our society. 

We assume that everyone is destined for marriage, that there is a perfect person out there for each of us, right? Isn’t this the underlying message from the world and in the church.

The word gift is the word Paul will use shortly in this letter to address the spiritual gifts, he uses it to describe a gracious gift from God in the life of a believer. 

But, he acknowledges that it is not the only gift. Marriage is a gracious gift as well. 

Here is the takeaway. Both singleness and marriage are gifts from God, neither is inherently bad or good. 

Paul addresses those that find themselves in a state of singleness. To the unmarried and the widows. 

The word ‘widows’ is easy enough for us to understand. Someone who is single because their spouse has passed away. But who does Paul have in mind when he addresses the unmarried. 

I suspect he is addressing those who are divorced, because when he later addresses young women who have never been married, he uses a different word. 

So whether you have experienced a divorce or you have been widowed, Paul says it is good for you to remain single, as he is. As we noted previously, Paul is going to expound on why it is good in later verses, but for now, I just want us to notice that singleness, in and of itself, is not bad. 

It could be that God has given you the gift of singleness for his purpose and his glory. 

It is possible for a single believer, whether divorced or widowed, to live a fulfilled, satisfying, God-honoring, impactful life.

To be single is not to be less than or missing something when you are in Christ. He is enough. 

This is the general gist of what the Apostle is getting at. 

But, Paul adds a caveat to singleness that almost seems too practical, maybe even coarse, and at first reading, seems to make the sole purpose of marriage, a sexual relationship. 

However, because we have more of Paul’s writings, we know that cannot be the whole story. 

Paul has a very high view of marriage. He tells us in Ephesians that marriage pictures Christ and his Church. A healthy, God-honoring marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and his bride in the way a husband loves his wife sacrificially and serves her selflessly, and in the way a wife voluntarily submits herself to the headship of her husband and respects him. 

So what is Paul saying here?

If you are a believer and whether your spouse divorced you or passed away, it is good to remain single, especially if God has given you a gift of grace to be single. But, if you find that you are not thriving as a single person and you are being tempted to sin sexually, it would be better for you to marry. 

That is if you are consumed with a desire to connect with another person in the intimacy of a relationship, Paul says, that is not only okay, you should marry, because that is better than stumbling into sexual sin and causing yourself harm. It is better to get married and pursue the Lord with a spouse than to be so distracted by your desires that you effectively render yourself useless for the kingdom.

This is where Paul concludes on the area of singleness as it relates to marriage for now, he will pick it up in a verse 25, where he is going to make the same conclusion there as we have here. 

(ESV) 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. 

Both singleness and marriage are gifts from God, neither is inherently bad or good, but in whatever instance you find yourself in, the purpose is to glorify God. If you are married, then honor and love your spouse in such a way that God is honored in your marriage, if you are single, then honor God in your singleness. 

But, as Paul will address in the later verses of chapter 7, marriage is hard.

One of the first things I ask a young couple in premarital counseling is ‘you know you are a sinner marrying another sinner, and you are wanting to bring more little sinners into the world, right?’

And you are all going to live under one roof? 

Why? Because the idea that marriage is a fairytale and once you get married, you live happily ever after is not reality. No spouse is perfect, no marriage is perfect.

What is societies’ answer? Just get divorced. Right? Maybe your second or third marriage will be your happily ever after. What is God’s answer? Let’s pick up with the next area Paul addresses. 

Separation and marriage

For the remaining six verses Paul is going to tackle the issue of divorce. Let’s pick up in verse 10.

1 Corinthians 7:10-16 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

First, let’s deal with a common misconception in these verses. 

There are two parentheticals here. In the first, he says ‘I give this charge (not I, but the Lord), and two he says, I say (I, not the Lord).

Some people mistakenly take these and say that what Paul is saying in verses 10 and 11 is that his words are binding and in 12-16, they are merely his opinion. 

This is wrong for at least two reasons. One, Paul understands that when he is writing these letters, he is doing so by divine empowerment and considers what he writes to be on par with the scriptures. So does the Apostle Peter when he references Paul’s writings. 

Two, it misunderstands what Paul is doing here. He is not separating inspired and uninspired writing, he is not separating divine commandments with personal opinions. In the first two verses, he is drawing from what Jesus himself taught when he was walking the earth concerning divorce. He is reminding them that they already know this. In verse 12 on, he is expanding on the topic through the indwelling and inspiring work of the Holy Spirit. What he is saying is beyond what the Lord said when he was here on the earth teaching about marriage and divorce. 

That’s it, that is all Paul is getting at in these verses. 

It is all scripture, which means it is all authoritative in our lives. We don’t get to pick and choose what parts we obey and what parts we don’t. 

Having established that everything we are about to look at is authoritative, let’s look at what Paul says to those who are married. 

1 Corinthians 7:10-16 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

If you are married, here is the command. Wives do not divorce their husbands. Husbands do not divorce your wives. 

Here is the only caveat that Paul gives. If a wife divorces her husband, she has two choices, remain single or be reconciled to her husband. Paul does not give the same concession to husbands, why?

I think it is out of concern for women. In these days, for a husband to divorce his wife was to put her in a difficult, if not impossible position financially and socially.  

Paul gives no stipulation for divorce and remarriage in the life of a believer here, although, since he is drawing inspiration from the Lord’s teaching we know that there is one that Christ gives. 

In the sermon on the mount, Jesus says.

Matthew 5:31-32 (ESV) 31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Do you see why Paul says she must not remarry and why he tells husbands not to divorce their wives?

If someone divorces other than for sexual immorality, to remarry is to commit adultery. 

Now, I know statistically, there are probably some of you that are divorced and it was for grounds other than sexual immorality. I honestly came to this text with an incorrect, wider view of divorce than the Bible allows for. I was influenced by wrong teaching and the culture of the world.

I get that what is here is difficult, but here’s what I want to say to you. 

The Bible says what it says about believers divorcing and remarrying. It doesn’t change if you simply don’t like it or if it doesn’t make you feel good. 

But, the Bible also says that God is faithful to forgive us when we confess our sins. 

Maybe you were operating in ignorance of what God’s word says, or maybe you knew better and did it anyway. Either way, the word tells us that if you will repent and confess, that God will forgive and heal. 

Amen? Sin does not have the final word in a believer’s life.

So far Paul has been addressing marriage and singleness in the context of believers, but what if you have a believer and an unbeliever who are married?

Before we get to the Corinthian believer’s particular situation, I want to note that the Bible tells believers to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

A believer should not knowingly marry an unbeliever. 

To our teenagers and young adults, as a believer this is the number one box to check in a potential spouse. More important than how handsome or pretty they are, what job they have, what family they come from, is do they belong to the Lord. 

For any widows or those whose spouse may have divorced them, the same thing applies.

So why does Paul address this area? Because, remember most if not all of these Corinthian believers were first generation believers. Many of them came to Christ as adults who were already married. 

Now they were wondering if they needed to separate from their unbelieving spouse. 

Perhaps they were worried about being defiled by being joined to an unbeliever. 

To those Paul says, if, as a believer, you have a spouse who is an unbeliever and they are willing to live with you as a Christain, you should not divorce them. 

In verse 15 Paul addresses the other side. If an unbeliever desires to leave the marriage because one spouse became a believer, the believer is allowed to let them go. They are not bound. 

If you are a believer and you want to stay married but your unbelieving spouse is determined to leave, Paul says you can let them. Not initiating, not eagerly agreeing, but allowing them to go. 

In verse 14 Paul deals with what might be the underlying fear in the Corinthians that are asking this question about marriages between believers and non-believers. Is the believer contaminated by the unbeliever? Are they somehow negatively affected in their spiritual standing? Not at all Paul says, in fact, in Christ the opposite can happen. 

14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Holy here does not mean saved, there is only salvation in a personal trust in Christ Jesus as Lord and Savior. But Paul does seem to indicate that the blessings God pours out on his children has a way of spilling over to affect the lives of those around them. 

In fact, Paul says, if you remain married, God may use you as an instrument by which they are able to come to Christ. 

16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

While it is important to note that Paul does not say this WILL happen, but he indicates that we don’t know, God might save them because of your witness to Christ and the way He radically changes you and your attitude towards your spouse and children as a believer. 

Isn’t this exactly what the Apostle Peter says?

1 Peter 3:1-2 (ESV) 1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

The other important thing to note is that this is descriptive not prescriptive. Believer, do not marry an unbeliever because you think God will save them. Because on the other hand, Paul says, you don’t know, God may not save them and then you have unequally yoked yourself to an unbeliever and possibly brought children into a divided house. 

Paul wants the Corinthians to understand that for a believer, divorce is not an answer, it is not an option, except for very specific circumstances. Church, we have to recover our witness in marriage, we have to teach our kids about the seriousness of marriage and the sin of divorce. 

And that may mean being honest with ourselves that we haven’t always thought rightly or Biblically about marriage. 

Conclusion

As we come to a close this morning, here is what I want us to think about. 

Marriage matters, how we think about marriage matters, and how we, as believers live out our marriage matters. 

It matters because marriage is a gift from God, he defines it and he declares what is right and what is wrong. It matters because it is a reflection of Christ and the church.

And at the end of the day, that is why we live and breathe as Christians, to make Christ known, to make his character known, to make his work known, to make his sacrificial love known. 

I have no doubt that many of us are affected one way or another by these three areas of marriage Paul has been addressing. 

For the married believer, if you have been depriving your spouse from what is owed them, stop. 

For the married believer, if you are struggling with temptation to act sexually immoral, talk to your spouse, do not let hidden sin drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

For the single brother or sister, if God has not given you the gift of singleness and you are struggling, lean on your brothers or sisters here, be honest about your struggle. Find men or women who will pray for you, help hold you accountable, who will walk with you. 

For the single brother or sister, who feels like God has them single for a reason, you are not incomplete, you are not less than, in Christ you have everything you need. Pray for guidance and strength for the Lord to lead you in how you can most glorify his name with your life. For the married believer, who thinks the only solution is divorce, I hope you see today that is not the truth. Hear me when I say, If you are in physical danger, listen to me, you do not have to stay in that situation. We will help you get safe and get counseling to pursue reconciliation. 

For the married believer with an unbelieving spouse, pray that God would save your spouse and then live your life in light of who you are in Christ and in obedience to his commands. 

For all of us, may we see the value and beauty of living in light of God’s word, for his glory, and our good. 

Let us pray.